Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Stress Nill part 2

 An impending stress may give rise to mainly five kinds of responses,
a. Acceptance of the situation (which is very rare) - acceptance of the stressor is best possible situation to start with. Once we accept that we are on a wrong train, we can decide whether to push button, pull chain or get down at the next station.

b. Denial -self denial is the most difficult enemy, you will have to fight with. People who are stressed usually deny that they may be taking too much on themselves.

 c. Procrastination -postponing any action plans, lest you will have to deal with the outcomes of your actions. It is suicidal to make the destination of the wrong train as your new destination.

d. Give up- People who might delay and deny the presence of a huge stressor in their life usually tend to give up and end up with unwanted outcomes. Giving up is neither good for mind nor spirit. That is why one should accept the stressor early and act on it.

e. Act on stress- Taking some proactive action in response to the stressor is best thing to do. This is a fighter kind of a person who is not scared of life and its challenges.

f. Let Go- It is very important to let go of the stress after you have fought it successfully. It should not become a kind of bad memory or nemesis that stops you from being yourself or your spontaneity.

How to let go is the practical big question?
Everyone says let go, let go, but how to let go. Emotional people, please try to FORGIVE the person who was the reason for your stress all this while.Also it is a must that before you forgive the other person, you must learn to forgive yourself. To forgive doesn’t mean you have to call him/her and say, “we can be friends and I am almost like god, because I can forgive you”. That is very unpractical.
·         You have to forgive the person in your own world of thoughts. That’s it. Also forgiving here is for your peace of mind and it does not mean you will not take up a cause that you think is necessary for justice like a legal action or something. Next question comes how to forgive. If you feel that bad incidents always make your beautiful eyelashes moist, try this. We don’t have to put a brave face always. Those of you who feel like crying, when you are on your own, alone, you can cry to your heart’s content. Once after you have conquered over the stressor, when you cry over it completely, it will never, ever be that disturbing to you again.

·         Then at that let-go moment forgive the person and say thank god I am out of this. Forgiving is really, really possible. Trust me but forgetting is not. (Though I am a confident psychologist and there are many theories to forget, I have not yet come to know my own trusted, practical way to FORGET bad experiences. I want to be known for practical psychology. So when I get that maturity to suggest a practical way of forgetting, that is not bookish, I will share that too). But believe me, practically forgiving does as good a job for the mind as forgetting would have.

How to move on?
If we are able to let-go then, we can actually move-on. Otherwise we get stuck in the sticky pan. Anyone who cooks a bit knows what I mean. So the solution comes from kitchen here. Grease your pan for making it somewhat stick-proof. Oh Please! Do not get me wrong. It is not that corrupt grease I meant. Grease here intends to convey that to move-on we must coat ourselves with lots of good thoughts, surround ourselves with people who are our true friends and well wishers, look out for change within and outside.It is must to go walking daily at least for 10 minutes, pursue a short holiday, develop long forgotten hobbies, read a light book, see a comedy movie with loved ones, eat what you like best and never over do the eating bit . Life is what we make out of it.So make most of it positive.

To sum up the easy steps to deal with stress should be,1.Accept 2. Act 3. Let go 4. Move on   
The ultimate result of conquering stress should be firstly, to liberate oneself from the stressful situation. Finally, to be able to forgive and most importantly to be able to confidently Move-on with the wonderful opportunity called ‘one life’.Live.Live.Live happily.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Are only grown ups stressed?  As adults we get to experience the word stress from many causes(stimuli).The causes are mostly externally induced and an individual's internal response to that stressor determines whether the coping strategy followed is helping or not.I plan to put a detailed separate post for each of the main reasons/causes of the stress along with my take on coping with them.In general the main reasons for stress can be
  • Boss
  • Subordinates Lobbying
  • Sexual Harrassment
  • Harassment in general(abuse of any kind)
  • Time managing skills
  • Unsuccessful relationships
  • Lacking in physical or/and mental stability
  • Targets at work
  • Aging
  • Concern for physical (out) Looks
  • Children
  • Lack of a particular skill
  • Education and Career
  • Recognition  & Attention -Lack of it or too much of it
  • Doctorate completion (This I would post  and dedicate it to all my friends who wanted to know why for 3 years I put my  joy-n-party into jeopardy)
 Practically, the best way to deal with stress can be learnt from kids. My 7 year old daughter and my 5 year old son do not know that meaning of stress. Good for them. Though kids also have to go through lots of difficulties at their kiddo level, yet they do not define their end-of-day as Stressed until they are more grown up.
Why and What is it that we can learn from them that would be very practical less bookish? Kids always believe that almost all things can be controlled by them. The answer to fight stress in general is to have that kind of SELF-BELIEF  which can be gained gradually by repeating the auto suggestion that even “I can slowly yet practically gain control over some things here IF I think clearly”. Auto suggestions are suggestions to one self which have very motivating effect on us. Here lets try some lines.
 Auto suggestions during the stressful time should be very powerful.

 1. “I do have energy that is unknown, even to me also. I should be waking that sleeping beauty NOW”.

2. “If I can mentally relax for a while (at least 5 minutes during peak stress), think, plan and fight back, at least I will not be in a very bad situation, than I am already in.”

3. “ I can always get a new job. I will not, NOT wait till I get a new job to take action based on reason and logic.”
4. “There are some good people too. I have had bad times, but it is not correct to believe that the world is a tough place to live and everyone is manipulative.”
5.”People before me have survived even horrible situation than mine.I am lucky to be atleast this strong. I will pull all my strength together and make it work”.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Handling Teenagers!

Dear readers, happy that you wanted to know about handling teenagers gone driving in the wrong lane of life? Amongst the questions there was a valid question if people find the son/daughter of someone they knew in a wrong act or company, should they confide it to the concerned boy/girl's family? I am trying to put answers to many questions together.
Welcome to the world where we are all here to help each other out. Here's what can be done.
1. If one is in talking terms, then it is better to
directly talk to him/ her and inform him/her that he/ she is not doing the
right things.
2. People on the wrong lane always avoid directions pointing at the correct road.  Usually teenagers will resist any interference and further argue that he/she is not doing anything wrong.
3. If it so, Challenge him/her then, that you are going to tell this to his/her family and wait for reaction.
 4. If he/she submits humbly saying that he/she will try to change his/her ways, given time. Watch for 2-3 days or a week at most, if that is possible(but this is unlikely, as the boy/girl will be now extra careful not to seen by anyone known to her).
5. If there is no change in his/her behavior, even if you have to risk your relationship with the teenager’s family, you should. Anyway after a week it is better to inform the family that you think their son/daughter is somewhat confused as to what is right.
6. Be supportive with the mom while she is coping up with the news you just gave her. The family’s first coping up reaction would be, to vent angry at the source of the ‘breaking news'.It helps to be understanding here that actually the family is angry, not at you, but at their own lack of  first hand news about their child.Be caring. Help the family to understand that there is no shortcoming in her bringing up. Suggest her to talk to her son/daughter about how girls/boys just have fun and do not feel emotional about anything at this age.  
So what can be done?
·        Ask
the boy/girl to make his/her own plan of rectification. Parents can make small
changes in the plan but the overall plan must be as planned by the teenager.
·        Help
the teenager to take up a hobby and pursue it. Pursuing hobbies is a great way
of channelizing abundant energies of teenagers.
·        Get
to know the friends of the teenager. Also let the teenager know this is not
being done in order to spy on him/her
·        Make
him/her to meet successful people in the families or neighborhood. Even a small
inspiration during this time goes a long way.
·        Give his/ her service at a religious place in his/her parents'
·        Get him/her into the habit of reading great inspiring novels.
·        Taking away
     of any usual luxuries, gadgets, facilities that  might have led to his/her condition may help temporarily but on a permanent basis it has be on his/her own realization. Let him/her take up studies from home for some time, like private or distance education, if possible. If that is not possible in many cases as in professional courses where the attendance is compulsory for appearing in exams, then close
supervision is must.
·        Learn
      to spend time by himself/herself without anyone, anything being around (friends,
internet, television) and be relaxed about it for some time, at least for an
houra day. This is very important that teenagers are comfortable with themselves. There is a general restless amongst teenagers partly due to the cyber-cell phone age,
where  things  tend to happen fast. Most teenagers across world do not how to be on
their own with a good book or indulge in a hobby. If the teenager follows the new set directives even for a month and gradually some restrictions can be lifted.
Many questions are raised
here like-
1.Why should other than the
family members bother about a teenager gone driving, in the wrong lane?
2.Is it good to interfere
in other people’s lives?
3.Is the saying “live and
let live” valid in this case?
Firstly, it is not interference but intervention
as it involves LIFE. Many teenagers realize their mistakes after they have
actually born the brunt of it. Then they get so caught up in the emotional net
that they start losing their temper and control even on routine things. They
have little patience for rectification. Finally and most importantly, it is
always better to inform the family before a situation is beyond replay. May be
an alert on time saves nine (lives).Coz when the teenagers realize they have
been on the wrong trek, they have no patience to trek back slowly and safely
and start afresh. The guilt and shame of their outcomes make them unable to
face the world. We all are responsible, as humanity loving people, to protect teenagers from unwanted outcomes.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Cricket and unwanted choices

What a match it was between India and Pakistan. Great and crazy till the last over. It was a good Wednesday for us and let us hope that the Saturday match would be greater.
But it is funny that such a great day can also be a day full of (unwanted) choices and emotions.Sometimes games are not just games, if they are not managed well.
What are they?
1. Work versus pleasure of
2. Wife, kids versus TV
3. Greetings, pleasantries versus directness on phones
4. Cleanliness versus mess
5.Husband's party preference versus wives sense of being twosome (over watching cricket)
6.Watching cricket with boss versus watching it with wife.
7. Fast food versus home cooked meal
8.Low calorie versus high
9. Big screen versus small
10. Home viewing versus hotel / group viewing
11. Cricket or movie with girlfriend( remember  there is danger of being stuck with whatever you chose) 
12. Cartoons, soap operas versus cricket
13. Tears versus cheers
14. Threats versus smiles
15.A  Day for pleasure versus  days of pursuance.

My take on choices, talk to people who matter to you and explain how much
cricket means to you. Convince your way by committing to spend in someother.......
way next weekend or weekends. Enjoy life.


for posting comments/messages/advices

Happy all,
I started this blog with the inspiration of my husband.My brother who is a software enggineer created and commenced it.The opinions expressed in the article are my personal expression which i deduced from my understanding of the world and reasoning from the knowledge i gathered. Because opinions differ, i am totally with you when you disagree with me.Commenting on the blog for suggestions, reactions or feedback is really easy.Just click on the comments tab which appears at the bottom of each post.You can give your name or choose to remain anonymous.  Also wellwishers and friends for life,
1. I suggest feel welcome to write to me at
2.Let me know if i can post that problem and the query as a pubic reading material on the blog.There are two good reasons to do this.Firstly, anyone who is having similar problems or is going through same situations may get some direction from your well posed question.Secondly, a reply to an impending issue itself becomes very interesting to read and learn from others' experience.
3.But if you are not comfortable i will be with you, respecting your privacy.
4. My request to you is that even if you want your interaction with the psychologist to be discreet, can I post the general idea without referring to who asked, so that it may benefit others and hence save time of the world at web.(think of the all the good karma you will be acquiring by saying YES to me on this one thing).
5. I am, what I am. Thank you for letting me be so.
6. Have patience,I am fast at reading(my strength) and slow at writing(my weakness).so my weakness may reflect in my replies.Hold on. Because I will.
7. Thank you for your time and trusting me with issues of your life. I feel honoured already.