Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Moody buddy!

Moody and Irritable friends and loved ones can be a big cause of concern.  One of my acquaintances had asked me about coping with mood swings of people who are close to us or related in some way. I thought will take this issue at two levels-coping with mood swings of self and coping with mood swings of others. In twenty four hours people have been known to go through greatest and lowest of feelings. Emotions are not easy to manage like friends on Face book. People have different moods for different moments. Sometimes very sane people can behave very insanely. Emotions have their basis partly in the moment and partly in the more or less stable entity that we call as an individual's personality.  Personality is again an outcome of nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). Disturbing nature and/or nurture issues have their implications of the emotional personality of the person. Mature adults follow an unconscious emotional rule called delayed or deferred gratification. Delayed gratification is an ability to wait in order to obtain something that is highly desired or wanted. Kids and Children have an impulse for instant gratification. As children become adults, and they are taught with love, come to understand a good impulse control is necessary for enjoying normal lives. Moody ones generally tend to express their emotions and reactions easily and not wait for another right moment. Strange but true that some impatient, aggressive people are more terrified of themselves than they are of others. Such people at times, are shocked at themselves and also scare others with their violent actions or behaviours. What to do at times, if we are to be in company of such.

Mild mood swings are correctable without therapeutic help, which we will be discussing here. Very interesting observations that we tend to ignore in our daily lives that has huge impact on physical as well as emotional health are Sleep and food. Yes it is that simple. Mild mood swings can be easily controllable by actively engaging in an exercise schedule, positive auto suggestions (suggestions to self), and reading inspiring true stories. IF one can manage satisfaction from these two areas, which look simple; yet difficult to achieve, one can be in control, largely. Everyone has a different set of hours for experiencing that blissful, content sleep. Most of us have issues with food and dinner table moods are common. Couples and families, who have busy lives throughout the day, meet up at homely sweet dinner and things go sour. Food issues could be very irritating for anyone, ranging from cooking style, quantity, variety or flavour etc. Food issues are not small issues, mend it and MIND IT. Resolve and make a flexible timetable for two weeks at least, in advance as to what will on the table. Planning should be backed by stocking things required to execute that timetable.
Coping with Mood swings of Self
1. Sleep Well. If mood swings trouble you, you should be the first one to manage your sleep more than your career. Rethink if there is something that can be changed in your life for catching up on the sleep that you feel missed out. Once again the trick is to plan your day and work your day. It is not easy but one should always have a sleep plan for working days and holidays. Make a plan for kids, so that they are getting full sleep and not irritable while waking them up for school. So in order to make a sleep plan, one will have to consider all things like how much television, gaming, studying, friends, parties etc.
2. Food it up. Negotiate with family and everyone gets to eat what they want once in a week or something like that. That way the nutrition is also taken care on other days when fun food dominates the other. Of course, we are living a life and we cannot enjoy life in strict regimentation. Relaxing on your schedules once in a while is okay but I have problem with following the plan once in a while. 
3. Recollect past Guilt. It is good to remember feelings of regret and guilt, so that the unwanted actions are not repeated. If your mood swings angered your colleagues, family, friends, then it is time to work out. Some people do feel guilty after a bad show by them. So next time you are an unpredictable mood, just recollect how guilty you were in your past when you could not just hold yourself together.
4. Abstain from speaking and touching anything (living, nonliving) while you in your bad phase. Just stay away from everyone and do not touch things in your surroundings that you may feel like throwing. Walking or a quick shower may help a lot. 
5. Do not be ashamed. Do not drive. Do not take decisions in bad phase. Do not blame others (parenting, boss, spouse, kids, and situations).We are not born perfect. But we can learn and start afresh and it is possible. But please make an attempt to make others happy. On one’s last bed, one will never regret not spending more time at office but will definitely feel that one should have loved their near and dear ones. You Are OK. But please start it NOW.

Coping with Mood swings of Others
1. Sleep and Food. No food, bad mood is totally true especially for people in their middle ages. Please ensure if possible that this person is sleeping well and eating food on time. If meals are not had on time it may lead to a condition of lowering blood sugar that may also trigger irritable emotions. If  one has made sure that the reasons for the irritable emotions is not as silly or simple as this, then move on to next level of coping.

2. Escape to safety. Protect Kids. When you are facing someone who is violent in their bad phase, it is not such a good idea to talk. Seek and involve other people and it may curtail the bad behaviour in most instances. Escaping in this situation is not the same as escaping a situation without facing it. Unless it is war or duty calls, it is better to safe than sorry. It is very important that kids do not see role models who are not practicing the delayed gratification rule and are bent on venting their emotions instantly. Any repeated behaviours of extreme violence and extreme apology, not acceptable as normal. Any such repeated behaviours may need therapy and/or legal recourse.

3. Speak, at a later moment. But remember, Do Not nag. Extreme mood swings have everything in excess, the anger, the aggression and the regret and the apology. Because work places do not tolerate such swings, the most obvious victims are mostly family or friends. If the mood swings are a big problem to the survival of a relationship, it has to be discussed in the family. In India, two people mean, not just two people. Let it be known. Believe your wise counsel and make your feelings known to others clearly.

4. Introduce such people to the goodness of culture, physical workout, religious outings or reading of self help books. If affordable and possible, a vacation to a serene or religious place, rather than an exciting happening place should be visited along with the person and new way of thinking should be decided then at the vacation Life is short, a 100 years may feel like a few moments and if it bad even a few moments will be difficult to pass by. So do encash time being happy and making others happy. It is no point losing temper over family for some less worthwhile work. No time to be moody. We have this one great beautiful life. Keep it simple. Enjoy, Live, Laugh, Forgive and Love.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Stress Boss

Bosses come in, with all kinds of emotions and crazy ties.God is most often remembered by those who wish they had a different boss! Stress from a reporting corner of the boss can be one of the many reasons people quit their jobs. There are some pretty inspiring bosses who lead well and keep everyone happy.It is easy to work for a boss who has clarity of thought, open, team spirited,committed to his/her word,believes in good public relations within the office and outside.But it is very difficult to work for the boss whom you dislike and also for the boss who dislikes you, but you dont.These are two different situations altogether.Please go through the Stress nill part 1 and Stress Nill part 2, for causes of stress in general and quick-fix of it.
Let us try to understand some bosses,their styles and possible coping ideas.

Many bosses may be under the misconception that

1.Everyone likes them despite their cool/uncool attitude. (Only a secret polling against a boss will ever reveal the truth).

2."Everyone loves my parties, always( includes all themes, menu, location, entertainment).

3.They are very goodlooking(sorry! no offence to bosses who are truely goodlooking).This is because people around the boss may be flattering them all the time.

4. If they fire people for their (pardonable) mistakes in office, others will learn a lesson and fall in line.

5.If anything goes right it is solely because of his/her  leadership contribution.If anything goes wrong, it is teamwork.

Some Bosses may be
  • Mild and Mellow Boss- This boss is of an even temperment.There are not very encouraging and at the same time they are not discouraging.Sometimes even that is a worry situation  such as, when there is fire to be fought in the office, he/she is still thinking about it.Restless and fast moving subordinates have huge problem with their own targets and dealines because of this kind of boss. End of the day,month, year the  timeline schedules speak for themselves and this mild boss will not come to rescue.
        GET ALONG POSSIBILITY- Do not disturb the boss with small quantity of work.He/she is going  to  put  aside      that for more work at hand.So you be the person with more work.Make your mark as someone who comes up only when there are many things to discuss, approve, etc.If things go unexpectedly  in  doing lot of work and then going upto your boss, then after a few times, your boss will surely give you time for small chunks of work too.
  • Fast and Furious Boss- Here is boss who is wanting so many things done in so little time. And if it not done he/she is furious.He/she may have a temper that gives lightning a chance to be jealous. Some of the bosses with this temperment may be highly encouraging in good times and equally discouraging in rough times.
GET ALONG POSSIBILITY-It is a good sign if he/she is equally demanding from their own work. People who are under optimum pressure  learn lots of work under these kind of hardworking, fast and furious boss.They forgive easily and focus on work at all times.But the negative side is when the boss isnt that hardworking and demands it from others. In that case,Do your best, learn to work fast and take it up as a challenge to match his/her expectations. Always read signs for the boss's priority area and focus your work along it.But when there is a disturbance in your routine life because of workplace stress, do reconsider your alternatives. Usually people learn alot faster under the presence of a demanding boss  but the long term effects that it will last are not guaranteed.

  •  Real and Reliable Boss-This boss is open, honest and stands for what he says and means.This boss is motivating, inspiring and superlikeable(sometimes).Wow! Thats sounds good.What can be wrong with that. He/she is very work oriented and hence will not tolerate any excuses. So people who are used to moving ahead by not working much on their work but on public relations alone, will not stand a chance here. The subordinates are expected to be real and reliable too.

GET ALONG POSSIBILITY-Stop talking and get working on actual work. Do not waste time on building rapport.It is good in all situtations but along with the work you are supposed to do.

  • Hopeless and Harrassing Boss- This is boss is the nightmare and we need to be cautious about.If the boss is having negativity all around him/her and is highly unpredictable, harrassing his/her subordinates demandingly,surely a pain.This boss may cause mental or physical harrassment.Harassment of any kind at work place should not be tolerated lightly.If work and attitude fail to please him/her, it is not worthwhile to continue without taking any action.
GET ALONG POSSIBILITY- Form a single team against such boss. Every boss has a boss, do not forget.Take matters to the notice of your boss'  seniors and explain that working under him/her is becoming difficult.Try to see what best can be done in the present situation.If possible try to go on a study vacation if possible in the organization.In cases of harrassment please believe in taking action.Do not let go, of the offender because he may be traumatising more number of people in future.

What should one do when they have tough existence with their boss?
Answer.Some try to adjust, relearn, rethink and try again.Some lose hope, confidence and faith.But one thing is always haunting in the mind, whether it is possible to change the job.Changing a job or place for growth and promotion is great suituation.Quitting a job and looking for another doesnt mean being a loser. When a baby becoming a child quits the habit of bedwetting,the world never called that child a loser.To quit one, is to gain another. But  it may be needed for those who are under the intense showers of harrassment or those of you who are so stressed that you are thinking to see a therapist.

Before you make some big decisions, think about these issues:-

1.Firstly analyze if your boss is really difficult to get along or you think he/she is. No matter where we go and what we do, we  may have a new boss and he/she may turn out to be worse than the previous one.

2. If something in your workplace is so stressful to you because of your boss that you are psychologically getting upset  please try clear talk to your boss's boss.Also, go with some alternatives, like you are considering some leave to relax, restart your educational dreams with or without loss of pay, transfer to another team or department or place etc.Please try not to cry.Any awkwardness always blurrs calrity and outcome.

3.Do introspect serious CHANGE. Think if there are any personal flaws.Like most common office mistakes stem from being late and being very highly effective thereon ( if the promptness alone can be ignored).But many bosses are very unforgiving on this issue.So if your job requires to bring about a change that will only make you a better person, try to change. Channelize your time.

4.Acquire new skills that are required for you to function.Never be laid back to read and learn afresh.

5. Always keep your basics strengths and weakness in mind.Donot land up in a new job with all the things you disliked in your previous job.

So, webmen and webwomen, all the best!the world is nice place.Please try to feel it positively once every day.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Stress Nill part 2

 An impending stress may give rise to mainly five kinds of responses,
a. Acceptance of the situation (which is very rare) - acceptance of the stressor is best possible situation to start with. Once we accept that we are on a wrong train, we can decide whether to push button, pull chain or get down at the next station.

b. Denial -self denial is the most difficult enemy, you will have to fight with. People who are stressed usually deny that they may be taking too much on themselves.

 c. Procrastination -postponing any action plans, lest you will have to deal with the outcomes of your actions. It is suicidal to make the destination of the wrong train as your new destination.

d. Give up- People who might delay and deny the presence of a huge stressor in their life usually tend to give up and end up with unwanted outcomes. Giving up is neither good for mind nor spirit. That is why one should accept the stressor early and act on it.

e. Act on stress- Taking some proactive action in response to the stressor is best thing to do. This is a fighter kind of a person who is not scared of life and its challenges.

f. Let Go- It is very important to let go of the stress after you have fought it successfully. It should not become a kind of bad memory or nemesis that stops you from being yourself or your spontaneity.

How to let go is the practical big question?
Everyone says let go, let go, but how to let go. Emotional people, please try to FORGIVE the person who was the reason for your stress all this while.Also it is a must that before you forgive the other person, you must learn to forgive yourself. To forgive doesn’t mean you have to call him/her and say, “we can be friends and I am almost like god, because I can forgive you”. That is very unpractical.
·         You have to forgive the person in your own world of thoughts. That’s it. Also forgiving here is for your peace of mind and it does not mean you will not take up a cause that you think is necessary for justice like a legal action or something. Next question comes how to forgive. If you feel that bad incidents always make your beautiful eyelashes moist, try this. We don’t have to put a brave face always. Those of you who feel like crying, when you are on your own, alone, you can cry to your heart’s content. Once after you have conquered over the stressor, when you cry over it completely, it will never, ever be that disturbing to you again.

·         Then at that let-go moment forgive the person and say thank god I am out of this. Forgiving is really, really possible. Trust me but forgetting is not. (Though I am a confident psychologist and there are many theories to forget, I have not yet come to know my own trusted, practical way to FORGET bad experiences. I want to be known for practical psychology. So when I get that maturity to suggest a practical way of forgetting, that is not bookish, I will share that too). But believe me, practically forgiving does as good a job for the mind as forgetting would have.

How to move on?
If we are able to let-go then, we can actually move-on. Otherwise we get stuck in the sticky pan. Anyone who cooks a bit knows what I mean. So the solution comes from kitchen here. Grease your pan for making it somewhat stick-proof. Oh Please! Do not get me wrong. It is not that corrupt grease I meant. Grease here intends to convey that to move-on we must coat ourselves with lots of good thoughts, surround ourselves with people who are our true friends and well wishers, look out for change within and outside.It is must to go walking daily at least for 10 minutes, pursue a short holiday, develop long forgotten hobbies, read a light book, see a comedy movie with loved ones, eat what you like best and never over do the eating bit . Life is what we make out of it.So make most of it positive.

To sum up the easy steps to deal with stress should be,1.Accept 2. Act 3. Let go 4. Move on   
The ultimate result of conquering stress should be firstly, to liberate oneself from the stressful situation. Finally, to be able to forgive and most importantly to be able to confidently Move-on with the wonderful opportunity called ‘one life’.Live.Live.Live happily.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


Are only grown ups stressed?  As adults we get to experience the word stress from many causes(stimuli).The causes are mostly externally induced and an individual's internal response to that stressor determines whether the coping strategy followed is helping or not.I plan to put a detailed separate post for each of the main reasons/causes of the stress along with my take on coping with them.In general the main reasons for stress can be
  • Boss
  • Subordinates Lobbying
  • Sexual Harrassment
  • Harassment in general(abuse of any kind)
  • Time managing skills
  • Unsuccessful relationships
  • Lacking in physical or/and mental stability
  • Targets at work
  • Aging
  • Concern for physical (out) Looks
  • Children
  • Lack of a particular skill
  • Education and Career
  • Recognition  & Attention -Lack of it or too much of it
  • Doctorate completion (This I would post  and dedicate it to all my friends who wanted to know why for 3 years I put my  joy-n-party into jeopardy)
 Practically, the best way to deal with stress can be learnt from kids. My 7 year old daughter and my 5 year old son do not know that meaning of stress. Good for them. Though kids also have to go through lots of difficulties at their kiddo level, yet they do not define their end-of-day as Stressed until they are more grown up.
Why and What is it that we can learn from them that would be very practical less bookish? Kids always believe that almost all things can be controlled by them. The answer to fight stress in general is to have that kind of SELF-BELIEF  which can be gained gradually by repeating the auto suggestion that even “I can slowly yet practically gain control over some things here IF I think clearly”. Auto suggestions are suggestions to one self which have very motivating effect on us. Here lets try some lines.
 Auto suggestions during the stressful time should be very powerful.

 1. “I do have energy that is unknown, even to me also. I should be waking that sleeping beauty NOW”.

2. “If I can mentally relax for a while (at least 5 minutes during peak stress), think, plan and fight back, at least I will not be in a very bad situation, than I am already in.”

3. “ I can always get a new job. I will not, NOT wait till I get a new job to take action based on reason and logic.”
4. “There are some good people too. I have had bad times, but it is not correct to believe that the world is a tough place to live and everyone is manipulative.”
5.”People before me have survived even horrible situation than mine.I am lucky to be atleast this strong. I will pull all my strength together and make it work”.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Handling Teenagers!

Dear readers, happy that you wanted to know about handling teenagers gone driving in the wrong lane of life? Amongst the questions there was a valid question if people find the son/daughter of someone they knew in a wrong act or company, should they confide it to the concerned boy/girl's family? I am trying to put answers to many questions together.
Welcome to the world where we are all here to help each other out. Here's what can be done.
1. If one is in talking terms, then it is better to
directly talk to him/ her and inform him/her that he/ she is not doing the
right things.
2. People on the wrong lane always avoid directions pointing at the correct road.  Usually teenagers will resist any interference and further argue that he/she is not doing anything wrong.
3. If it so, Challenge him/her then, that you are going to tell this to his/her family and wait for reaction.
 4. If he/she submits humbly saying that he/she will try to change his/her ways, given time. Watch for 2-3 days or a week at most, if that is possible(but this is unlikely, as the boy/girl will be now extra careful not to seen by anyone known to her).
5. If there is no change in his/her behavior, even if you have to risk your relationship with the teenager’s family, you should. Anyway after a week it is better to inform the family that you think their son/daughter is somewhat confused as to what is right.
6. Be supportive with the mom while she is coping up with the news you just gave her. The family’s first coping up reaction would be, to vent angry at the source of the ‘breaking news'.It helps to be understanding here that actually the family is angry, not at you, but at their own lack of  first hand news about their child.Be caring. Help the family to understand that there is no shortcoming in her bringing up. Suggest her to talk to her son/daughter about how girls/boys just have fun and do not feel emotional about anything at this age.  
So what can be done?
·        Ask
the boy/girl to make his/her own plan of rectification. Parents can make small
changes in the plan but the overall plan must be as planned by the teenager.
·        Help
the teenager to take up a hobby and pursue it. Pursuing hobbies is a great way
of channelizing abundant energies of teenagers.
·        Get
to know the friends of the teenager. Also let the teenager know this is not
being done in order to spy on him/her
·        Make
him/her to meet successful people in the families or neighborhood. Even a small
inspiration during this time goes a long way.
·        Give his/ her service at a religious place in his/her parents'
·        Get him/her into the habit of reading great inspiring novels.
·        Taking away
     of any usual luxuries, gadgets, facilities that  might have led to his/her condition may help temporarily but on a permanent basis it has be on his/her own realization. Let him/her take up studies from home for some time, like private or distance education, if possible. If that is not possible in many cases as in professional courses where the attendance is compulsory for appearing in exams, then close
supervision is must.
·        Learn
      to spend time by himself/herself without anyone, anything being around (friends,
internet, television) and be relaxed about it for some time, at least for an
houra day. This is very important that teenagers are comfortable with themselves. There is a general restless amongst teenagers partly due to the cyber-cell phone age,
where  things  tend to happen fast. Most teenagers across world do not how to be on
their own with a good book or indulge in a hobby. If the teenager follows the new set directives even for a month and gradually some restrictions can be lifted.
Many questions are raised
here like-
1.Why should other than the
family members bother about a teenager gone driving, in the wrong lane?
2.Is it good to interfere
in other people’s lives?
3.Is the saying “live and
let live” valid in this case?
Firstly, it is not interference but intervention
as it involves LIFE. Many teenagers realize their mistakes after they have
actually born the brunt of it. Then they get so caught up in the emotional net
that they start losing their temper and control even on routine things. They
have little patience for rectification. Finally and most importantly, it is
always better to inform the family before a situation is beyond replay. May be
an alert on time saves nine (lives).Coz when the teenagers realize they have
been on the wrong trek, they have no patience to trek back slowly and safely
and start afresh. The guilt and shame of their outcomes make them unable to
face the world. We all are responsible, as humanity loving people, to protect teenagers from unwanted outcomes.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Cricket and unwanted choices

What a match it was between India and Pakistan. Great and crazy till the last over. It was a good Wednesday for us and let us hope that the Saturday match would be greater.
But it is funny that such a great day can also be a day full of (unwanted) choices and emotions.Sometimes games are not just games, if they are not managed well.
What are they?
1. Work versus pleasure of .....cricket
2. Wife, kids versus TV
3. Greetings, pleasantries versus directness on phones
4. Cleanliness versus mess
5.Husband's party preference versus wives sense of being twosome (over watching cricket)
6.Watching cricket with boss versus watching it with wife.
7. Fast food versus home cooked meal
8.Low calorie versus high
9. Big screen versus small
10. Home viewing versus hotel / group viewing
11. Cricket or movie with girlfriend( remember  there is danger of being stuck with whatever you chose) 
12. Cartoons, soap operas versus cricket
13. Tears versus cheers
14. Threats versus smiles
15.A  Day for pleasure versus  days of pursuance.

My take on choices, talk to people who matter to you and explain how much
cricket means to you. Convince your way by committing to spend in someother.......
way next weekend or weekends. Enjoy life.


for posting comments/messages/advices

Happy all,
I started this blog with the inspiration of my husband.My brother who is a software enggineer created and commenced it.The opinions expressed in the article are my personal expression which i deduced from my understanding of the world and reasoning from the knowledge i gathered. Because opinions differ, i am totally with you when you disagree with me.Commenting on the blog for suggestions, reactions or feedback is really easy.Just click on the comments tab which appears at the bottom of each post.You can give your name or choose to remain anonymous.  Also wellwishers and friends for life,
1. I suggest feel welcome to write to me at drsbgita@gmail.com
2.Let me know if i can post that problem and the query as a pubic reading material on the blog.There are two good reasons to do this.Firstly, anyone who is having similar problems or is going through same situations may get some direction from your well posed question.Secondly, a reply to an impending issue itself becomes very interesting to read and learn from others' experience.
3.But if you are not comfortable i will be with you, respecting your privacy.
4. My request to you is that even if you want your interaction with the psychologist to be discreet, can I post the general idea without referring to who asked, so that it may benefit others and hence save time of the world at web.(think of the all the good karma you will be acquiring by saying YES to me on this one thing).
5. I am, what I am. Thank you for letting me be so.
6. Have patience,I am fast at reading(my strength) and slow at writing(my weakness).so my weakness may reflect in my replies.Hold on. Because I will.
7. Thank you for your time and trusting me with issues of your life. I feel honoured already.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Love of Exams!

God! Who must be that weird to love exams. Well, most people do not take to exams naturally. Whenever there are examinations of any sort, some kind of uneasiness is always there. It is only natural. Some amounts of pressure is good, that can be technically called as the 'optimum' level. Pressure that is there but not too much aids in better performance than total lack of it or overwhelming amount it.  

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Making sense of Humour

How many times poeple just crack a bad joke and say just kidding? It happens to all of us and it happened to me too. The art of it lies in failing  atleast ONCE.That moment is enough never to come up with a bad line. But how do we know what is the best way to crack a great joke? Try this.
1. Keep it simple.
2.Rehearse your lines mentally.It would be very embaressing to forget the most important lines or the punch line.
3. Breathe.
4. If possible chose a joke which is not very personal to the audience or the crowd that you addressing.
5. Remember not everyone thinks like you do.What is funny for one person could be hurting for another.
6. Best way of getting attention is not only by joking around.It would be even worse when your humour does not come through the way you want it to;let alone good impression, all you may gather is outright rejection.
7. It ok if you cannot remember one for the occassion.It helps to compliment others who did a good job at that.
8. A very risky way of narrating a joke to ensure that no one has heard of it, is to narrate a real life incident from your life.The risky part is that, it should be actually funny and trust me(Psychologist), that people(not psychologists, but still) know when it is made up on the spot.
Have a time.Try an original line.See if you can make it happen.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

New Psychologist at the blogging world!

Hello everyone,
 Let me introduce myself. I am an involved psychologist with all sensitive issues of people around me. But now I want to reach out to all those who cannot meet me. I am very happy and content in life.I feel if I have something in my head and heart that may help someone, I should be able to do it. I know there may be people like me, some more talented and more experienced.I am not here to prove anybody anything, but to myself, that-YES, I have it in me to understand others and make them feel better.So let me know, what is troubling you and may be we can just talk our way out.Yeah, it may be as simple as that sometimes. Even the complex issues we can try.I am here.